I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
