Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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