I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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