Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
