in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Someone signed my nipple.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
