you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my sisters under your porch take her home
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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