Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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