Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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