I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
