and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
