i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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