Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
