did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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