Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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