Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
