so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
