If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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