I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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