your parents love me but you hate me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
