I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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