He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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