the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
