i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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