Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
