I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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