You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
