There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
