I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hippo gnu deer
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
