4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
