he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am available for nakedness
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
