The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
