I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
