you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
we're so committed to being not committed
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
