I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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