I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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