My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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