I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Someone signed my nipple.
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