4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
