Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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