God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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