Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
