can u get pink eye on your cock?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize