My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
