I wanna passion pit in your ass
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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