I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
