I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
