my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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