my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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