I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's never too late to be topless.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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