i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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