Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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