They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Floor bacon is actually really good
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
