Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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