why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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