pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
