Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
